wake up i wanna do it froggy style
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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