Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize