so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
