Need sex. Gaining weight.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
How external is "for external use only"?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
