Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
