"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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