worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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