Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
