just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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