i wish there were pregnant emoticons
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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