You really coming over, don't trick.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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