Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
