First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
