okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
