i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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