those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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