I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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