I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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