I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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