yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Randomize
