I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
