she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
