worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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