My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
