I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
