bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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