Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
