What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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