I just pynch a tree in the face
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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