cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize