he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
