its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
