Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
