are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
