Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
