The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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