Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
