There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
