i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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