It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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