Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
