Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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