upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm too high and old for this...
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
