There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize