I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
