PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
