I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
