Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
