So drunk, too bad you don't want this
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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