im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
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