The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
