Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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