I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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