My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
