i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
my being single is dangerous.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
