highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
