I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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