Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The beer is more important than you right now.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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