Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Randomize
