Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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