New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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