my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We have started to decorate penises.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
