meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
