remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
