Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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